thirteen.
grey and black
i have been ignoring everything. sometimes i’ve exaggerated the situations that will only end up to my being feeling the lowest of the low. it feels funny cus i think i am like this because of me. i still feel the same way. i dont know anymore. all i know is to escape the problems by ending something so precious that i possess—life. the guilt, pressure, and agony. it is too much. it is becoming too much. i dont know how else to deal with it but chase the only thing i know that can make me happy. the only thing that gives me comfort, but is also capable of destroying myself. i know that more than anyone else.
sometimes i wish to be reborn. maybe then my decisions wouldn’t have led me to this. i often feel empty and confuse. but i always tend to ignore it and think that itll go away. i dont think it did because it comes back every time. my thoughts and emotions affect every single thing and i always feel the guilt and disappointment. i get mad so easily. i wouldnt care about what would happen. i let my emotions drive me insane, i cant really handle it. im too naive and stupid. i dont know any better. i dont even know myself. i can only be aware of my actions but i cant seem to know how to handle it. i am super exhausted.
it seems so easy for everyone and i feel like im the only one who isnt moving forward. im so scared and terrified of everyone and everything. i have lied so much that i think that i am only lying right now. that this isnt really how i truly feel to avoid the actual reason or truth why i feel this way. i am so confused about everything. i can only wish to be better. i can pretend i am okay. i am so tired of it. i am so tired of feeling like im just pretending so people wont think i will only cause harm and pain to them. so that no one will run away from me. i cant be alone.. not that anyone would want to leave me alone cus i know that they will be there for me. especially my mom. but i cant open it up anymore. i dont think its valid.
so many things have happened that led me to this. i have so many things that i ignored and tried to shrug off, maybe i shouldnt have. but i really didnt know anything. i still dont know anything. i wish i knew.. but i guess knowing a lot of things will still end up the same way. im so scared that i will forever be like this and i cant seem to escape it.
i’ve hurt myself so many times as well. i have attempted to [redacted] so many times and i always fail. i am really scared of dying. i know what will happen if i do and it isnt something i want to make everyone feel and think about me, especially about my mom.
i cannot help it. it comes with various reasons why and i am not strong enough to face them. i always run away from it. i seek comfort from a temporary solution or something intangible and i am tired of it. i just cry. i can try to fix it but it will still fail. something is wrong with me and i really really wish that i can fix it. im so sick of myself.
it feels so hard to exist blissfully when everything you do will only cause harm.